oscillating between okay and decidedly not okay today; is it worse or better? on the one hand i had some better moments, on the other hand every time i dip back down it’s like i’m losing a batlle against myself and i’m gonna lose the war and i don’t like it it’s making me so weary

there was an awful thunderstorm all last night and this morning and i couldn’t sleep because the lightning was so bright and the thunder was so loud and normal i kind of love thunderstorms but this time i was so aware that i was awake because of it; aware i couldn’t afford to lose sleep when it’s so hard to come by already, and then i got up for work and realised the buses weren’t running because the storm was so bad, but i couldn’t go back to sleep because.. i physically can’t sleep once i’ve gotten out of bed for a least.. like 2 hours, i dunno, i haven’t measured conclusively. i got to talk to the little sis and she’s a light and she has cats with her but then i just.. was waiting for the storm warning to go away and then once it did i had to go to work because that’s what you do in asia the second that storm warning is lifted everyone goes back to work, but because of that public transport was hellish basically, it was a sea of damp people and pushing and drippy umbrellas and it was overwhelming and then i finally made it in to the bakery, it took 2 hours to get there instead of the usual hour and 20, and the guy was like “oh, if i had your number i would have just told you to stay home haha” and i was like haha oh well but actually my mind was screaming because i was so anxious that i was gonna make a bad impression, i ddont even know why, and then i worked through till lunch which calmed me down cause at least i kind of know what im doing now and when i work with my hands my mind can be quiet, to discover someone stole my umbrella and i.. basically lost it, i sat in the cheap little vietnamese noodle place alone and lay my head on the table and stared at the floor and took shaky breaths because it’s stupid but i love that umbrella i fought my mom to let me buy that umbrella because it was ‘impractical’ but it’s green with this ridiculous cheery orange handle and cute squirrels on it and after lunch i went back and.. it was there again, someone had put it back because either they were just borrowing it or had heard me asking everyone where the green umbrella was that was right there and sneaked it back while i was out and instead of being relieved my frist thought was that i was stupid and going literally insane maybe it had been there the whole time was i having real actual hallucinations what was wrong with me, but.. i wasn’t the only person looking for that umbrella before lunch it was not there why couldn’t i even trust myself to know what’s real anymore and there was a traffic jam and i didn’t get home till later and i’m just

im so exhausted and numb and i thought yesterday i was getting better but i’m not it’s not fair

and everyone is being so nice and i can’t even feel better and i feel guilty like i’m wasting all your sweetness and well wishes and i want so badly to be better so i don’t make people sad i feel like i’m letting you all down

i’m weary

thanks for the sweet messages guy, i really really appreciate it

and sorry i didn’t manage to respond yesterday because i kind of was in.. like a weird.. autopilot mode to get through the day? i dont remember it very well it was like a weird.. muggy haze and i felt like i was moving really slow but nobody said i was acting weird so maybe it looked normal idk but i can’t tell you most of what i did yesterday but i did register that some of you are concerned sorry i didn’t reply at all please don’t be scared or anything i’m still alive i guess

i did get asked if i had OCD at work and i was like.. how.. why.. i’m sorry i cleaned the bread machine too obsessively (and maybe.. when noone was looking kind of.. leaned my head against it and took deep breaths so i wouldn’t cry on it) and i actually think i do in a very minor way but i’ve never been diagnosed unless you count the time i was making my placemat perfectly parallel to the table edge and this guy was like huh okay so if i move this a little to the side does it bother you and i was like.. it.. really.. really does please stop and today i looked up the scary-annoying eye twitch that won’t go away and apparently doctor google is like okay so to fix that stop being stressed stop having anxiety and stop having insomnia so it looks like.. i’m just gonna be stuck with it for a while.. i guess..

anyways i’m just really exhausted but i can’t tell if it’s the work thing or the sleep thing or if my brain is going on some sort of low-power self-preservation reboot mode but uhh yeah just.. sluggish. but okay i think

also amy that giant fake money is that.. fried squidy-type snack thing, that we got cause it was weird and you like weird things. also i think it was probably in like.. some manga or something where some dude wore it as poor people clothing for some sort of pun.. idk.. 

but thank you guys you’re all really great okay

hasnt been a good couple of days but every time i even think of trying to talk about it i shut down and i can’t.. think or breathe

but i think i should try at least so here goes

i don’t remember how long it’s been since i could let go but i know it’s been a couple days at least welcome to the world of anxiety disorders and depression

its been mostly blurry with sharp painful parts; tentatively broaching the subject of the physical manifestation of my mental illness with my mother to be met with a laugh and “relax jaime, relax!” (is there a faster way to shut me down and tense me up? i haven’t found it), staring blankly out windows and feeling like time is slipping away, my dog skittering away from my touch, my baby cousin crying if i come within a foot of him, waking up and looking in the mirror to discover i’m crying for no good reason and i can’t stop, my stomach roiling and clenching at sudden intervals.

i know rationally i need to just slow down and not let things get to me but the fact that they are getting to me when i know they’re small silly things has me terrified and so tense i feel like i’m clawing out of my skin and i feel so stuck and i want nothing more than to just get out of here but i don’t know if here is a physical place or just.. my mind. i’ve always felt trapped here ever since we moved but everywhere i’ve tried to go doesn’t feel safe or right either, like nowhere is home, nobody looks at me and is genuinely pleased by my presence, not even me

i remember when we moved here i raged and flung out my frustration like daggers but i got into so much trouble, got yelled at and disciplined for it, and in self preservation i learned, slowly, quietly, to keep the things in because it made no difference, i was always going to be isolated, wasn’t going to get to choose what i ate or where i went on a friday night, and now i don’t get angry anymore, i just have a hollow emptiness and resignation about things, but it’s pointless to be bitter or blame my parents for teaching me to be silent, to be submissive, to fear the repercussions of having an opinion, for cultivating the self hatred by telling me i’m too fat, to button up my shirt more when i can’t because i’m not the size button-up shirts are made for, for being told that since i’m a girl i should like pink, what the hell, and once i’ve found a style i’m comfortable with, feel safe and confident and comfortable, suddenly i want to cover up because of.. uncomfortable public transport situations, getting yelled at on the street by a guy for having “big tits”, and i’m angry that i feel i need to change because of it, when i know the first time i was ever inappropriately touched by an older guy when i was headed home on my own i was fucking 15 and only wore tshirts and trousers and i cried on the train home because i was angry that the friend who said he’d walk me home ditched me for his girlfriend and then angry at myself because he wasn’t the guy i should be mad at

and at the crux of it i’m just lonely and i want to get out and run to find people who’ll take me in but it feels like the harder i try to escape this community my parents built around me of people i’m not actually friends with, people who aren’t my age or share a single one of my interests, people who talk about me amongst themselves because they’re ‘concerned’, the more the world is trying to keep me here against my will. but that’s stupid, just because my application to study in a different country is meeting a bunch of ridiculous resistance, just because i’m suddenly confusedly blindly working at a job i never actually asked anyone for, never applied for, because i can’t say no to anyone, because i feel obligated to take the ‘favours’ people are handing to me by the guilt from allowing myself to be selfish and live without responsiblities for a year, doesn’t actually mean the world is trying to trap me here. 

anyways i probably won’t.. be around much for a while, but just letting you all know i’m still alive, if not any standard definition of okay.

no everything is the worsttttt

why

marvelentertainment:

Agents! Prepare for “Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.,” coming to ABC Tuesdays at 8:00 p.m. ET this fall!

robotunicornblog:

Here’s the animated GIF of the RU by Gemma Correll which I posted earlier. It’s a very happy, jolly unicorn, and is now even happier and jollier that it can move!

Did you actually cut yourself in the process though……..

uhhh i was gonna be like haha of course not but actually i don’t know. because i found a cut on my hand that night but i don’t think it was from cake making??? i don’t know where it came from.

I’ve seen so many Mother’s Day gif sets. But I wanted to make a gifset dedicated to the girl who didn’t choose to become a mother, but had to. Nani. She was the best mother she could be to Lilo, and the best sister too. 
She didn’t just lose her mother and father, with all the things she was doing wrong, she felt like she was losing her sister too. 

Nani, hardly gets recognition, and throughout the entire film she did everything she could and it seemed like the odds were against her. So, appreciation for Nani, as she’s one of the strongest, most realistic & realistic looking Disney character ever.

HOW DID YOU MAKE IT SO PRETTY

blood sacrifice

justnodandsmile:

Cute Miniature Crocheted Animals by Su Ami

nO STOP!!!!

29-34/100 Pictures of Billie Piper

hellotailor:

LOL, Agents of SHIELD has an X-Files style conspiracy theory website. I WANT TO BELIEVE!!!

greendalebeing:

First clip of Marvel’s new TV show, “Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.” [x]

9:00 still no food

the creature slowly slides to the ground hunting for prey but oh no it’s stuck

stuck in despaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir

will the headache go away once she finds food?

we may never know

omg im so tired and hungry and my head is all achey but we got invited somewhere for dinner and they said they’d call to tell us when to come over but it’s like 8:30 now and i need the food and the comfy pajamas naooooo

normally if i feel like this id just be like pls let me stay home ill eat leftovers and curl up with tv shows and sleep early cause i gotta go to work tomorrow morninggg but it’s mother’s day so i don’t want to abandon mom today cause i’m the only other family member here~~~